Feeling Blue

This time of year inevitably makes me feel a little blue, we are coming up on the 4th anniversary of my mom's death. Four years ago about this time we were all fighting our demons. My mom had incurable lung cancer and had gone thru all the Chemo that her body would allow, and it didn't help at all. She was in and out of the hospital and barely clinging on. I was trying to manage all the day to day aspects of her care, plus my own 2 kids, and a job, and hubby, etc...I was failing miserably. I felt such horrible guilt, while my whole focus was on making mom comfortable I felt like so many of my family were only focused on what we could do to make mom better, I knew there was no making it better, and I felt like a really horrible person for wanting it to just be over for her.

My mom was a very complicated person, on one hand the most loving and generous person you would ever meet, she loved her family, children, and grandchildren more than anyone could imagine, but she was never able to really be happy. I knew that she didn't want to go, but at the same time she was suffering so much. It took a very wise man (thanks Father Wilhelm) to make me believe it wasn't wrong for me to want her to pass. It was not from selfishness for me, it was for wanting her suffering to be over. We are now a year and a half past my father also passing from lung cancer. Some days it all still feels fresh and raw and horrible, and other days it is just okay. My mother was my best friend...I told her everything, so there is still not a day that goes by that I don't miss being able to share with her, and tell her about all the wonderful things that happen to me and the kids...I know she is watching and I hope she is proud. We have always said that drew was grandma judy's miracle baby, and every time he crawls in my lap and tells me he wuv's me, I know that her love didn't go when she did, that it continues in the heart of everyone who ever loved her, and even in one little boy who only points to her picture and said gmma judy!